Sure, “The White Lotus” finale delivered some major twists and turns on April 6. But what really remained with us from season three of the much-loved HBO series was the Jaclyn, Laurie and Kate friendship trio (played by Michelle Monaghan, Carrie Coon and Leslie Bibb, respectively).
Can childhood friendship trios thrive into your forties and beyond, sans drama? Is it a bad idea to go on vacation in a small girls’ friends group? Will one friend always be the odd one out? Clearly, the show provides us with no shortage of thought-provoking questions about friendship triangles — and fascinating insights into how friendships evolve (and sometimes devolve) over time.
Kirsten Tretbar, LMFT of Tretbar Therapy, shares her fascination behind how the show captures the subtle balancing act of intimacy, rivalry, and differentiation that plays out in these relationships.
“Three-person friend groups can be incredibly resilient or combustible depending on how well the individuals navigate their differences and manage shared anxiety,” she says, adding that “The White Lotus” captures that tension beautifully.
“Three-person friend groups look fun and intimate from the outside, but they can bring up some of the most intense, subtle power dynamics that people don’t even realize they’re caught in,” echos Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, a relationship and attachment therapist and owner of Evolution to Healing Psychotherapy.
Ahead, Tretbar and Groskopf share more about the psychological theory surrounding friendship triangles, and what we can take away from Jaclyn, Laurie and Kate's dramatic dynamic.
What are friendship triangles and how do they function?
As you may have gathered, a friendship triangle is a non-romantic bond amongst three pals.
“Three-person dynamics often create what’s called a ‘triadic relationship.’ They can feel intense because they often recreate early attachment experiences — who got chosen, who got left out, who had to stay neutral to keep the peace,” says Groskopf. When one person feels even subtly excluded, Groskopf cautions that it can trigger deep survival responses rooted in childhood, sparking questions that run the gamut from “Am I being replaced?” to “Am I too much?” to “What do I need to do to stay connected?”
According to Groskopf, these groups can often pull people into roles like “the fixer” or “the third wheel,” even if no one is intent on creating that dynamic in the first place. “The triangle itself becomes the relationship, and that can get complicated fast.”
Tretbar likes to remind people of a famous quote from Dr. Murray Bowen, a pioneer in family systems theory: “The basic building block of any emotional system is the triangle.”
Dr. Bowen believed that emotional systems — whether in families or friendships — seek balance, and when anxiety rises, a third party is often brought in to help stabilize tension.
“In a healthy triangle, all three relationships help distribute emotional pressure. But when one connection weakens, symptoms often emerge in the third, such as acting out, distancing, or over-functioning,” she explains. In ‘The White Lotus,’ we see three women who live very different lives, yet in their differences, they reflect parts of each other and offer strength to the whole system, she adds.
Can three-person friendships thrive?
Tretbar isn’t surprised that season three of “The White Lotus” struck a chord with so many viewers, especially in terms of Jaclyn, Laurie and Kate’s dynamic, as it dove deep “into the emotional push-and-pull of a three-woman friend group.” Accordingly, she says, the show sparked debate about whether threesomes in friendships are functional or inherently unstable.
So, are such friendships fated for fiasco? Not at all. Tretbar actually believes that in many cases, triad friendships can last even longer than dyadic or two-person friendships, since having a third person introduces emotional flexibility.
“Triangles are often more resilient than they get credit for. They can carry the emotional weight more effectively, like distributing heavy rocks amongst three hikers instead of two.”
“If two friends become too close or enmeshed, the third creates breathing room. If someone pulls away, there’s a built-in tether to help bring them back. When one pair experiences conflict, the third often becomes a stabilizing force, sometimes even acting out in a way that draws the original two back together,” she says of this so-called “system regulation.”
“Triangles are often more resilient than they get credit for. They can carry the emotional weight more effectively, like distributing heavy rocks amongst three hikers instead of two,” adds Tretbar.
What can we learn from “The White Lotus” friendship triangle?
Tretbar praises the show’s creator, director and writer Mike White, for tapping into something both modern and mythological with this trio.
“These three women embody ancient archetypes: the nurturing mother (the Texas housewife), the sensual artist/actress (the free-spirited creative), and the cerebral lawyer/thinker (the high-achieving professional). Together, they represent parts of the whole feminine psyche, safety, pleasure, and truth, and their friendship mirrors the lifelong process of becoming,” she says. “Friendships like these help us grow, challenge us, hold us accountable, and remind us of who we were. They're mirrors, and no matter how different our paths become, those old friends — the ones who knew us when we were 12 — still see, and love us for our truest selves.”
Groskopf, meanwhile, cites a key takeaway from Jaclyn, Laurie and Kate's friendship as an opportunity to reflect on fawning — a particular common occurrence in three-person friend groups. “It’s when someone starts people-pleasing, shape-shifting, or suppressing their own needs just to keep the peace. In these groups, there’s often one friend who becomes the emotional buffer — the one who never takes sides, never sets boundaries, and never fully shows up as themselves because they’re trying to hold the group together,” she says.
And here’s the thing: it’s usually not conscious. “It’s a nervous system response rooted in attachment patterns — especially for women who grew up believing that being ‘easygoing’ or ‘low-maintenance’ was the way to stay loved,” she says, pointing out that while the ‘cool girl trio’ vibe might look tight from the outside, there’s often one person quietly contorting themselves to avoid getting left behind.
